ME: What will I write for my last NaBlahBlahBlah post?
HUBBY: How 'bout "Thank you and Good Night" - y'know, short and sweet!
ME: You're only saying that because you don't want me to spend hours on the computer "wasting my weekend."
HUBBY: I would never say such a thing.
ME: Maybe not out loud - but you're thinking it!
HUBBY: But Wifey, my thoughts are my own.
ME: You are so busted!
So it's the last day of November and the last day of my daily posts, which I have enjoyed hugely. I will still post regularly, have no fear, but I really must get back to Poppy (whom I have left wordless for four weeks after deciding to write 2000 words a day on her story). What can I say? Some challenges just floor you before you even begin.
Thanks for tuning in for NaBloPoMo. Thank you and Good Night!
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Saturday, 29 November 2008
MEME-MEME!
I have been veritably beaten up (as distinct from being smacked) by book-related memes. The first is from the divine Ms. Vanilla in which I'm supposed to recommend four essential reads. And the second is from Pete where I have to come up with seven random or weird book facts. Uuum right! Ok… yes…I'd better get on with it then.
First Vanilla's (as she tagged me first - it's only polite)
The rules are:
(a) Fiction book
(b) Autobiography
(c) Non-fiction book
(d) A fourth book of your choice from any genre.
Explain why the books are essential reads in no more than 30 words per book. (Clears throat…holds nose…jumps in…)
Fiction Book: We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. This gripping, moving and horrifying book takes the form of letters written by a woman to her estranged husband telling her story of a reluctant mother to a difficult son who is in jail for the murder of several schoolmates when he went on the rampage with a cross-bow. It is beautifully ambiguous so that how you feel about her and what has happened is down to your own feelings about motherhood and child rearing. It also asks if someone is born evil or are they a product of their upbringing. I can't recommend this one highly enough.
Ooops! Went way over on the 30 words there. Never mind - the next one is short.
Autobiography: None. I can't remember ever having read one - they simply don't appeal except for the photos. I've read a few biographies but nothing worth recommending.
Non-fiction Book: The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I pretty much got over my self-help book addiction by the time I hit thirty but I saw Ellen Degeneres talking about this on her show and I bought it out of curiosity. It's such a positive upbeat way to look at life. It's a pity it concentrates so much on material gains but the message of optimism and gratitude has deepened everything I had come to understand about how to live a worthwhile life.
Bugger - that's gone right over 30 too. I'm not very succinct am I?
A fourth book of your choice from any genre: Well if you look at my bookshelves you will see that they are dominated by two authors: JK Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Everyone in the universe has read Ol' J.K. so I'm going to big up Terry. I just had a quick nip around the house and I counted 25 of his books. What I adore about him is his endless tangential good humour. He has a great humanitarian strand and in the loveliest, funniest way manages to slice and dice through the terminal BS of life. It is deeply sad that he has recetly been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease which he has wonderfully described as his embuggerment. Please click here to read his address to the Alzheimer's Research Trust Conference in the UK earlier this year, where he donated $1 million to aid Alzheimer's research. It is funny and determined and inspiring. His new book, Nation is on my Christmas list. From what I've heard of it, it's his best yet - and written after his diagnosis. If you've never read one I'd start with Wyrd Sisters which is I think one of the funniest.
As I completely ignored the word count rule there I'm going to flout the tagging rule too. So if you fancy doing this one then be my guest but do come back and tell me so I can check it out.
On to Pete's now: Seven random or weird book facts. Oh my - this is a tricky one. I may have to resort to making them up if I can't find seven.
1. Unlike everyone else in the world who fancies themselves a writer I was neither a voracious reader or writer as a child. I was utterly enthralled by stories though. I adored being read to and I watched so many movies I couldn't possibly count them. I loved reading myths and legends and I think that my entire library withdrawal at the age of 8-9 were about Cú Chulainn, Fionn MacCumhaill and the Táin. (There's a bit of Wiki-reading for ya).
2. Because I didn't read lot (I did read - just not a lot) I was a very slow reader. When I started in secondary school and we started reading novels for English, it took me hours to read the allotted pages for homework because, up to that point, I read in my head at the same speed and intonation as I would if I read aloud. I am not good at reading aloud however. Unless I'm reading for my kids I get nervous and I stammer a lot (I don't do this normally) which is why I've not joined in Robin's voice thingy. All my attempts were truly embarrassing. On the upside - I am a voracious reader now. I hit my stride at about 21 and have never looked back.
3. I love hardbacks. I know that they are a pain to read; you can't fold the pages back, they're hard to read lying in bed, they're heavy, expensive and are environmentally wasteful but I love them. If I'm waiting for a book to come out I do not want to have to wait for the paperback. I want it NOW! Books still feel like a treat to me and a hardback is like a present every time you open it. They keep better and the smell good. I'm a keeper of books so I like them to be well bound.
4. The first two books I ever withdrew from the Library were The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss and Miffy by Dick Bruna I loved them so much I took them out again and again. I remember my first trip to the library very well. It was pouring with rain and I was wearing my brand new pink plastic Mac and rainhat. I think it's why I like going walking in the rain so much.
5. I won a reading and writing competition run by the Limerick Public library on two separate occasions when I was in school. You had to read a book, write about it and submit a piece of artwork inspired by the book. I got book tokens as a prize presented by the Mayor and I was on the News (although blink and you'd have missed me). The first time I was 9 and although I don't remember the book, I know it was about a snail and a salamander. I drew a picture of a snail and made a stuffed one from old stockings for my artistic submission. The second time I was 11 and the book was Flight of The Doves by Walter Macken and I submitted a pencil drawing of Finn Dove which, if I say so myself, was bloody good. With the book tokens I bought a series of books about Sue Barton and her various nursing adventures.
6. I love reference books and encyclopedias. When a neighbour, who was a nurse, emigrated, she left behind a load of medical books. I adored them. By the time I was 10 I had a very good idea of how to perform an appendectomy, deliver a baby, do an emergency tracheotomy and diagnose most childhood diseases from the various rashes. I also had an amazingly large medical vocabulary.
7. I often read the end of the book way before I get to the end. I do this at the point in the book when the plot starts to get interesting - just to see if I've guessed right. Sometimes it's because I want to see if it's worth my while continuing but mostly it's because I'm so competitive I want to see whether the author's ending is the same/ better or not quite as good as the one I'd have come up with. I know - that's pretty sad. Still my end-jumping has never ruined a book for me - so I'm just gonna keep doing it!
Surprisingly that wasn't nearly as hard as I though it'd be. Please feel free to consider yourself tagged if you'd like to do this.
A cuppa is in order now I think.
First Vanilla's (as she tagged me first - it's only polite)
The rules are:
(a) Fiction book
(b) Autobiography
(c) Non-fiction book
(d) A fourth book of your choice from any genre.
Explain why the books are essential reads in no more than 30 words per book. (Clears throat…holds nose…jumps in…)
Fiction Book: We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. This gripping, moving and horrifying book takes the form of letters written by a woman to her estranged husband telling her story of a reluctant mother to a difficult son who is in jail for the murder of several schoolmates when he went on the rampage with a cross-bow. It is beautifully ambiguous so that how you feel about her and what has happened is down to your own feelings about motherhood and child rearing. It also asks if someone is born evil or are they a product of their upbringing. I can't recommend this one highly enough.
Ooops! Went way over on the 30 words there. Never mind - the next one is short.
Autobiography: None. I can't remember ever having read one - they simply don't appeal except for the photos. I've read a few biographies but nothing worth recommending.
Non-fiction Book: The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I pretty much got over my self-help book addiction by the time I hit thirty but I saw Ellen Degeneres talking about this on her show and I bought it out of curiosity. It's such a positive upbeat way to look at life. It's a pity it concentrates so much on material gains but the message of optimism and gratitude has deepened everything I had come to understand about how to live a worthwhile life.
Bugger - that's gone right over 30 too. I'm not very succinct am I?
A fourth book of your choice from any genre: Well if you look at my bookshelves you will see that they are dominated by two authors: JK Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Everyone in the universe has read Ol' J.K. so I'm going to big up Terry. I just had a quick nip around the house and I counted 25 of his books. What I adore about him is his endless tangential good humour. He has a great humanitarian strand and in the loveliest, funniest way manages to slice and dice through the terminal BS of life. It is deeply sad that he has recetly been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease which he has wonderfully described as his embuggerment. Please click here to read his address to the Alzheimer's Research Trust Conference in the UK earlier this year, where he donated $1 million to aid Alzheimer's research. It is funny and determined and inspiring. His new book, Nation is on my Christmas list. From what I've heard of it, it's his best yet - and written after his diagnosis. If you've never read one I'd start with Wyrd Sisters which is I think one of the funniest.
As I completely ignored the word count rule there I'm going to flout the tagging rule too. So if you fancy doing this one then be my guest but do come back and tell me so I can check it out.
On to Pete's now: Seven random or weird book facts. Oh my - this is a tricky one. I may have to resort to making them up if I can't find seven.
1. Unlike everyone else in the world who fancies themselves a writer I was neither a voracious reader or writer as a child. I was utterly enthralled by stories though. I adored being read to and I watched so many movies I couldn't possibly count them. I loved reading myths and legends and I think that my entire library withdrawal at the age of 8-9 were about Cú Chulainn, Fionn MacCumhaill and the Táin. (There's a bit of Wiki-reading for ya).
2. Because I didn't read lot (I did read - just not a lot) I was a very slow reader. When I started in secondary school and we started reading novels for English, it took me hours to read the allotted pages for homework because, up to that point, I read in my head at the same speed and intonation as I would if I read aloud. I am not good at reading aloud however. Unless I'm reading for my kids I get nervous and I stammer a lot (I don't do this normally) which is why I've not joined in Robin's voice thingy. All my attempts were truly embarrassing. On the upside - I am a voracious reader now. I hit my stride at about 21 and have never looked back.
3. I love hardbacks. I know that they are a pain to read; you can't fold the pages back, they're hard to read lying in bed, they're heavy, expensive and are environmentally wasteful but I love them. If I'm waiting for a book to come out I do not want to have to wait for the paperback. I want it NOW! Books still feel like a treat to me and a hardback is like a present every time you open it. They keep better and the smell good. I'm a keeper of books so I like them to be well bound.
4. The first two books I ever withdrew from the Library were The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss and Miffy by Dick Bruna I loved them so much I took them out again and again. I remember my first trip to the library very well. It was pouring with rain and I was wearing my brand new pink plastic Mac and rainhat. I think it's why I like going walking in the rain so much.
5. I won a reading and writing competition run by the Limerick Public library on two separate occasions when I was in school. You had to read a book, write about it and submit a piece of artwork inspired by the book. I got book tokens as a prize presented by the Mayor and I was on the News (although blink and you'd have missed me). The first time I was 9 and although I don't remember the book, I know it was about a snail and a salamander. I drew a picture of a snail and made a stuffed one from old stockings for my artistic submission. The second time I was 11 and the book was Flight of The Doves by Walter Macken and I submitted a pencil drawing of Finn Dove which, if I say so myself, was bloody good. With the book tokens I bought a series of books about Sue Barton and her various nursing adventures.
6. I love reference books and encyclopedias. When a neighbour, who was a nurse, emigrated, she left behind a load of medical books. I adored them. By the time I was 10 I had a very good idea of how to perform an appendectomy, deliver a baby, do an emergency tracheotomy and diagnose most childhood diseases from the various rashes. I also had an amazingly large medical vocabulary.
7. I often read the end of the book way before I get to the end. I do this at the point in the book when the plot starts to get interesting - just to see if I've guessed right. Sometimes it's because I want to see if it's worth my while continuing but mostly it's because I'm so competitive I want to see whether the author's ending is the same/ better or not quite as good as the one I'd have come up with. I know - that's pretty sad. Still my end-jumping has never ruined a book for me - so I'm just gonna keep doing it!
Surprisingly that wasn't nearly as hard as I though it'd be. Please feel free to consider yourself tagged if you'd like to do this.
A cuppa is in order now I think.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Angelic Grievance!
So as December approaches I am noticing all the Christmassiness starting to ooze into all manner of everything. Today we got started on making decorations at school. I'm sitting here flaked in silver spray paint and dotted with glitter from the toils of the morning. And yes, before you ask, I have washed, but as anyone who has ever used glitter before understands, mere soap and water is no match for it. It's sneaky! I imagine I'll be glittery for a few days.
We were making angels. I took groups of four at a time because … well … glue and glitter; need I say more? In this particular group I had my old friend Expecto who wasn't very enthusiastic about making "stupid angels." Before we got started on the serious messy stuff I gave all the children a maker pen with instructions to draw a face at the centre of the cardboard template.
"All you need to do is draw eyes, a nose and a mouth and then we can decorate the rest of the angel. OK?"
"Angels are girls aren't they Mrs V?"
Now there was no part of me that wanted to get into a philosophical conversation with a four-year-old about the gender neutrality of angels so I simply said,
"No - not at all. There are lots of boy angels too Expecto. There's Michael and Raphael and Uriel and this one is Gabriel. He announced the birth of Jesus to the Shepherds. He said 'Behold I bring you great news. In Bethleham today a Saviour is born,' and that's how they knew to go visit him."
"But they wear dresses."
"It's not a dress Expecto. It's just the type of clothes that everyone wore when Jesus was born. They didn't invent trousers for hundreds and hundreds of years after that."
He frowned deeply but set to work drawing on the angel's face and just as I was about to hand the glue pot over to Expecto I saw him grinning very mischievously.
"My angel's crying," he said beaming.
"Why? He shouldn't be crying. He's bringing 'great news' remember - not bad news. He should be smiling. Maybe we could change the frown into a smile?"
Before any 'happy' alterations could be made he just scribbled over the whole thing obliterating any chance I had of converting the tears into freckles and turning the grimace into a cheesy grin. I gave him another template and to draw another face - this time a happy one because he's telling happy news. Begrudgingly he took it and drew a half-hearted smile on his angel.
"Thank you Expecto. I'm sure The Angel Gabriel would love that smile." I could tell he wasn't convinced about the revisions made and anyway I was curious to know, so I asked, "Why did you draw him crying?"
"He was really sad because God put him in a stupid dress."
I know I shouldn't have favourites but that little dude just cracks me up!
We were making angels. I took groups of four at a time because … well … glue and glitter; need I say more? In this particular group I had my old friend Expecto who wasn't very enthusiastic about making "stupid angels." Before we got started on the serious messy stuff I gave all the children a maker pen with instructions to draw a face at the centre of the cardboard template.
"All you need to do is draw eyes, a nose and a mouth and then we can decorate the rest of the angel. OK?"
"Angels are girls aren't they Mrs V?"
Now there was no part of me that wanted to get into a philosophical conversation with a four-year-old about the gender neutrality of angels so I simply said,
"No - not at all. There are lots of boy angels too Expecto. There's Michael and Raphael and Uriel and this one is Gabriel. He announced the birth of Jesus to the Shepherds. He said 'Behold I bring you great news. In Bethleham today a Saviour is born,' and that's how they knew to go visit him."
"But they wear dresses."
"It's not a dress Expecto. It's just the type of clothes that everyone wore when Jesus was born. They didn't invent trousers for hundreds and hundreds of years after that."
He frowned deeply but set to work drawing on the angel's face and just as I was about to hand the glue pot over to Expecto I saw him grinning very mischievously.
"My angel's crying," he said beaming.
"Why? He shouldn't be crying. He's bringing 'great news' remember - not bad news. He should be smiling. Maybe we could change the frown into a smile?"
Before any 'happy' alterations could be made he just scribbled over the whole thing obliterating any chance I had of converting the tears into freckles and turning the grimace into a cheesy grin. I gave him another template and to draw another face - this time a happy one because he's telling happy news. Begrudgingly he took it and drew a half-hearted smile on his angel.
"Thank you Expecto. I'm sure The Angel Gabriel would love that smile." I could tell he wasn't convinced about the revisions made and anyway I was curious to know, so I asked, "Why did you draw him crying?"
"He was really sad because God put him in a stupid dress."
I know I shouldn't have favourites but that little dude just cracks me up!
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Thanksgiving And TINTINTS!
I love Thanksgiving. I don't celebrate it but I think that it's a holiday that every country should adopt. The idea of taking a day out of the year just to be grateful is brilliant. I have so much to be grateful for and I try to incorporate gratitude into my daily life. I have a wonderful husband and three great children, a lovely home in a beautiful place and a perfect Pooch too. I have a terrific job, excellent friends and really I want for nothing. And I've always been this blessed. I have a fantastic family and was raised by amazing parents. What's not to be grateful for?
The thing about a Thanksgiving holiday is that it brings all our blessings into focus. A little navel gazing to appreciate what we have and consider what it is we value would be a very good thing. Perhaps we could institute it in or around Harvest Festival here in the UK. It makes sense to me.
Maybe I should write to Gordon Brown or start a movement. Maybe I will....
In the meanwhile I'd like to wish y'all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am very grateful that you stopped by. I appreciate each and every one of you!
**************************************
And for TINTINTS Thursday: This week I found myself out in the garden at the crack of dawn trying to de-poop it before the snow got too heavy (not that it did). As I brought a cuppa up to Hubby in bed later I found myself saying the following:
"I'll tell you something though; frozen poo is a dream to pick up!"
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Spot the Classy Supermarket!
When you do a lot of shopping online, as I do, you inevitably end up with a lot of SPAM clogging up your inbox telling you about this deal and that. Some of it I've even read - most of it, however, gets ticked and deleted pretty much immediately. I don't mind this. I use these shops so I'm happy to hear of any offers they have. My SPAM filter has finally started working properly so I don't get the messages about penis enlargement, natural viagra, rolex watches and the gross porny ones that make pop-ups pop up everywhere, any more. (**Big sigh of relief** - there was a time when I used to have the worst SPAM filters on earth - it was russian roulette every time you opened mail.)
As the credit crunch has bitten I have found that all these companies seem to be luring in with the promise of great discounts and offers. If I had any money this would be a great time to be a consumer. Here are a few of the subject lines of the Junk I've gotten in the last couple of days.
Play.com: Christmas Offers Save Up To 80%!
SALE Now On - Up To 50% Off at Blooming Marvellous
Free Delivery on all Tesco Entertainment orders plus Mamma Mia DVD for just 7.99 GBP
Johnnie Boden: Hello Jane, 17.5 percent Off and free delivery on all orders
CB2: raising holiday spirits at low CB2 prices
Perfect Christmas puddings from Lakeland
Big Red Warehouse: FOR 2 DAYS ONLY - Up to 60% off!
Great little Trading Co.: Best Ever Offer - extended until Sunday - 20% off & free P&P
Fran Cotton: Half price fur lined boot ready for winter
Amazon: Save 25% on "What Would Jesus Buy? Exclusive to Amazon.co.uk [2007]" on DVD
I have to say I did wonder what, in my reading choices at Amazon, made them think I'd be interested in that one!
Then today I got one that made me smile. In these penny-pinching, credit-crunchy, desperate times isn't it lovely to see that there are still some shops who think I should have the finer things in life....
Waitrose: Half Price Champagne and Salmon for one week only
Is it any wonder it's my favourite place to shop or indeed that I don't have two brass farthings to rub together!
As the credit crunch has bitten I have found that all these companies seem to be luring in with the promise of great discounts and offers. If I had any money this would be a great time to be a consumer. Here are a few of the subject lines of the Junk I've gotten in the last couple of days.
Play.com: Christmas Offers Save Up To 80%!
SALE Now On - Up To 50% Off at Blooming Marvellous
Free Delivery on all Tesco Entertainment orders plus Mamma Mia DVD for just 7.99 GBP
Johnnie Boden: Hello Jane, 17.5 percent Off and free delivery on all orders
CB2: raising holiday spirits at low CB2 prices
Perfect Christmas puddings from Lakeland
Big Red Warehouse: FOR 2 DAYS ONLY - Up to 60% off!
Great little Trading Co.: Best Ever Offer - extended until Sunday - 20% off & free P&P
Fran Cotton: Half price fur lined boot ready for winter
Amazon: Save 25% on "What Would Jesus Buy? Exclusive to Amazon.co.uk [2007]" on DVD
I have to say I did wonder what, in my reading choices at Amazon, made them think I'd be interested in that one!
Then today I got one that made me smile. In these penny-pinching, credit-crunchy, desperate times isn't it lovely to see that there are still some shops who think I should have the finer things in life....
Waitrose: Half Price Champagne and Salmon for one week only
Is it any wonder it's my favourite place to shop or indeed that I don't have two brass farthings to rub together!
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Barf Nation
Today the barf toll in my class moved from 2 up to 5 with another three children complaining of stomach aches and one cheerfully telling me that she had "die-a-reeeee-ah" adding that "it's alright, my Mum already knows."
My daughter has succombed to the chunder wonder too and currently I am trying hard to ignore the queezy feeling that's ruminating in my belly region.
My neighbour cheerfully told me of her two weeks of hurling and ... (well best not mention the rest eh?) as I took Small Son to school this morning.
I refuse to become another victim of this bully-boy bug. I am well. I am cheerful . I am happy.
(Actually I have a bit of a headache and really my tummy's not feeling great.)
My daughter has succombed to the chunder wonder too and currently I am trying hard to ignore the queezy feeling that's ruminating in my belly region.
My neighbour cheerfully told me of her two weeks of hurling and ... (well best not mention the rest eh?) as I took Small Son to school this morning.
I refuse to become another victim of this bully-boy bug. I am well. I am cheerful . I am happy.
(Actually I have a bit of a headache and really my tummy's not feeling great.)
Monday, 24 November 2008
A Quick Nip To The Shop...
I've been in a bit of a muddle today. It started off well - I remembered my shopping list and bags for a trip to Tesco after work. I almost got Small Son to school on time (you know the one that's a minute's walk from my front door). I got to work on time and, as far as I know, it all went fine. Two kids threw up and had to be collected (a virulent tummy bug is sweeping through the place) but other than that it was a eventless morning. I even managed to leave work less than ten minutes late (I have ended up working on unpaid for up to an hour after my "day" had finished just to get my paperwork done) and off I set to go to the supermarket. I hate not going straight home because the dog is normally climbing the walls having been left for three hours so I like to get back quickly to keep her company. However I had quite a few things to get today so off to the shops I went. I got my trolly and, list in hand, I set off tout de suite to get my groceries and get myself back home to Pooch.
I did the shopping quickly and found myself at an unoccupied check-out. No waiting - how lucky was I? Very! Right until the moment half way through my shopping being scanned that I realised I'd left my purse at home. "Stop!" I yelled holding my palm upward as though directing traffic, "I forgot my money." I was checking through my bag, the shopping bags and all my pockets - no money, no credit cards - nada! I looked blankly at the checkout lady and shrugged my shoulders. "Uuum....sorry."
She looked at me with the bored expression that only a person sitting down all day listening to never ending beeping can muster. "Do you want me to continue scanning?"
"I can't pay you," I said just to clarify what I forgot my money actually means.
Her brow creased under the strain of having to use words to explain herself. "I can continue scanning and then we can store your shopping while you go home to find your purse."
"Really? That's brilliant. Yes let's do that!"
She breathed out a big sigh and continued on scanning. I continued packing. When we were done she called a colleague who took my shopping trolley to customer services. I told her my name and said that I'd be back within 20 minutes. She asked if there was anything that needed to be refrigerated. I said not to bother with that, I didn't have any frozen items and I'd be back quickly. Then I set off back home to be greeted by an ecstatic Pooch who was very confused by me tearing around the house looking for my purse which was nowhere it was supposed to be. She was even more upset two minutes later when, on finding the wallet, I left again. I could hear her whining when I was back in the car. Then I whizzed back to the supermarket.
I parked up and literally ran in and set about looking for someone to help me. Having waited for several minutes for a manager to finish chatting to some colleagues I was directed to a rather bored looking lady behind a counter.
"Hi," I said smiling pleasantly, "that's my shopping over there. I need to pay for it."
"Righ'. OK. Wai' a minu' awrigh?" She went over to my trolly and then looked blankly into space. I thought she was looking for the till receipt which I could see was selotaped to her till. Then she just wandered off down the shop. The queue that was forming behind me was starting to get restless and I could feel their cold stares burning through the back of my head as though with some malevolent magic I had banished her from the land. I turned and shrugged to let them know that I was a clueless as they as to where she'd gone, and more importantly, as to when she'd return. They all wandered off realising that it might be days before she came back.
And then without warning there she was.
"Sorry, Oi'm tryin' to find your refrigera'ed foods. OK. Wai' a minu' awrigh?" and she started to leave again.
"But I told the lady not to bother with that and I came straight back. I've been no more than 15 minutes."
"It's policy. All refrigera'ed items must be refrigera'ed. OK? Wai' a minu' awrigh?"
I suppose that made sense. What if I hadn't returned they'd have had to dump them I guess. So I waited. And waited. And waited. She was so much longer that a minu'. Just when I lost the will to live she came back with my yogurt and milk. I'm not sure but I think she cracked a smile. Then I finally got to pay and leave the shop. I pushed the trolly to the car and that's when I realised I didn't have my car keys. Not in my bag, not in my coat pocket, not hanging on the trolly. Gone. I must've left them on the customer services desk. So back I turned with my trolly straight back to where I was not thirty seconds before. The same woman was there and she looked at me with her usual blank expression. "Can Oi 'elp you?"
"Did I leave my keys on the counter?"
"Wha' vey look loike?"
At this point my patience was wearing thin. I wanted to say "I left here 30 seconds ago - were there any frelling keys on the counter when I left???????" but instead I gritted my teeth and said "there's a leather tag with JANE on it."
" 'Ang on Oi'll check"
Check? Check? Do you have the memory of a goldfish woman? is what I should have said but I smiled benignly and dug my nails into my own flesh.
"Are these them?" she asked holding up a set of keys, with my name on them, that she'd put in the drawer a minute before just after I'd left her.
"Yes. Thank you." I took them and once again went to my car and loaded it up. And once again I drove the four miles home. And once again got greeted my a now hyper Pooch. The dog bounced and jumped and licked and brought me toys as I put my shopping away. I was battling with her enthusiasm as I put the cereal back in the cupboard. Then I knocked an almost empty bottle of juice on the floor. Almost empty. There was a bottle of blackcurrant juice on the list. I forgot it.
I didn't bother going back. The kids can do without.
I did the shopping quickly and found myself at an unoccupied check-out. No waiting - how lucky was I? Very! Right until the moment half way through my shopping being scanned that I realised I'd left my purse at home. "Stop!" I yelled holding my palm upward as though directing traffic, "I forgot my money." I was checking through my bag, the shopping bags and all my pockets - no money, no credit cards - nada! I looked blankly at the checkout lady and shrugged my shoulders. "Uuum....sorry."
She looked at me with the bored expression that only a person sitting down all day listening to never ending beeping can muster. "Do you want me to continue scanning?"
"I can't pay you," I said just to clarify what I forgot my money actually means.
Her brow creased under the strain of having to use words to explain herself. "I can continue scanning and then we can store your shopping while you go home to find your purse."
"Really? That's brilliant. Yes let's do that!"
She breathed out a big sigh and continued on scanning. I continued packing. When we were done she called a colleague who took my shopping trolley to customer services. I told her my name and said that I'd be back within 20 minutes. She asked if there was anything that needed to be refrigerated. I said not to bother with that, I didn't have any frozen items and I'd be back quickly. Then I set off back home to be greeted by an ecstatic Pooch who was very confused by me tearing around the house looking for my purse which was nowhere it was supposed to be. She was even more upset two minutes later when, on finding the wallet, I left again. I could hear her whining when I was back in the car. Then I whizzed back to the supermarket.
I parked up and literally ran in and set about looking for someone to help me. Having waited for several minutes for a manager to finish chatting to some colleagues I was directed to a rather bored looking lady behind a counter.
"Hi," I said smiling pleasantly, "that's my shopping over there. I need to pay for it."
"Righ'. OK. Wai' a minu' awrigh?" She went over to my trolly and then looked blankly into space. I thought she was looking for the till receipt which I could see was selotaped to her till. Then she just wandered off down the shop. The queue that was forming behind me was starting to get restless and I could feel their cold stares burning through the back of my head as though with some malevolent magic I had banished her from the land. I turned and shrugged to let them know that I was a clueless as they as to where she'd gone, and more importantly, as to when she'd return. They all wandered off realising that it might be days before she came back.
And then without warning there she was.
"Sorry, Oi'm tryin' to find your refrigera'ed foods. OK. Wai' a minu' awrigh?" and she started to leave again.
"But I told the lady not to bother with that and I came straight back. I've been no more than 15 minutes."
"It's policy. All refrigera'ed items must be refrigera'ed. OK? Wai' a minu' awrigh?"
I suppose that made sense. What if I hadn't returned they'd have had to dump them I guess. So I waited. And waited. And waited. She was so much longer that a minu'. Just when I lost the will to live she came back with my yogurt and milk. I'm not sure but I think she cracked a smile. Then I finally got to pay and leave the shop. I pushed the trolly to the car and that's when I realised I didn't have my car keys. Not in my bag, not in my coat pocket, not hanging on the trolly. Gone. I must've left them on the customer services desk. So back I turned with my trolly straight back to where I was not thirty seconds before. The same woman was there and she looked at me with her usual blank expression. "Can Oi 'elp you?"
"Did I leave my keys on the counter?"
"Wha' vey look loike?"
At this point my patience was wearing thin. I wanted to say "I left here 30 seconds ago - were there any frelling keys on the counter when I left???????" but instead I gritted my teeth and said "there's a leather tag with JANE on it."
" 'Ang on Oi'll check"
Check? Check? Do you have the memory of a goldfish woman? is what I should have said but I smiled benignly and dug my nails into my own flesh.
"Are these them?" she asked holding up a set of keys, with my name on them, that she'd put in the drawer a minute before just after I'd left her.
"Yes. Thank you." I took them and once again went to my car and loaded it up. And once again I drove the four miles home. And once again got greeted my a now hyper Pooch. The dog bounced and jumped and licked and brought me toys as I put my shopping away. I was battling with her enthusiasm as I put the cereal back in the cupboard. Then I knocked an almost empty bottle of juice on the floor. Almost empty. There was a bottle of blackcurrant juice on the list. I forgot it.
I didn't bother going back. The kids can do without.
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