Dearest Diary

I got back on Friday afternoon from a really, really lovely week away with the Fam. We have mostly good weather (I'm rather pink in odd places where I missed squirting with the factor 50) and just because I'm not a sun-worshipper the weather angels also blessed us with a bit of drizzle too. Perfect. It was tough going being away from t'internet for 7 whole days but as with any fasting (self-enforced or otherwise) I came back to it with a deeper respect and appreciation.

I also took the time to think about how I've let everything in my life slide along, taking me with it. I do truly believe that being in total control of one's life is an illusion. Life is like the sea, big, powerful and all too capable of raging storms. However it's foolish to assume that you have no control over what happens in it. I'm afraid that, in my natural inclination toward going with the flow, I have allowed even the babbliest of brooks and the stillest of streams to carry me in directions I really have no interest in going. I have become the opposite of organised - not disorgainised - anti-organised. I can see that I've always leant in this direction. I even label my slothfulness in a cute way, thinking of myself as 'energy efficient' rather than lazy. In my youth I was given to terrible bouts of stress and bonkersness and I learnt the hard way that swimming against the tide gets you nowhere but knackered. The trick, of course, is knowing when to stand the hell up and march to pool of water you want to be in and when to ride the tide. I'm sick of ending up on the same old stretch of beach with my manuscript no further along, my house a mess, I'm permanently perplexed as to why I have no money and constantly embarrassed that I'm late for everything (if I remember at all).

No more I tell you! - Well not as much anyway. I have taken my head out of the clouds and had a good look around. I have been doing everything in my life half-heartedly. I am a terrible housewife. Mostly because I hate the term and all that it implies I have railed against it by being rubbish at it. But actually I am a total home-bod at heart. Home and family mean everything to me but I don't give it any respect. Yet I know that when I have done it well, it has given me great satisfaction. My negativity toward it is tied up in not wanting to be seen as a housewife - it's a term that has no value. I loathe it. So I have decided to rename it. I am a Homemaking Goddess. Currently I'm a pretty crap one but now that I have rebranded it I am already feeling more enthusiastic.

It's been nearly two years since we moved from our old house. (We moved in Oct '07 and spent a few months in a rented house before finally moving in here in Jan '08). I miss my old home. I miss my old life and mostly I miss my old friends. So much so that I have never bothered to embrace the new place I have found myself in. Instead of becoming part of this community I have spent my time daydreaming about going back to my old one. Instead of making new friends that I can hang out with, I started to hang out almost entirely on the blogsphere. Now please, please don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE all my blogging buddies. I ADORE hanging out with you and I am grateful that I have each and everyone of you in my life but none of you live close enough to go to the movies or share the odd glass of wine and a natter. I miss that. I need tangible friends as well as my very excellent virtual ones. It's taken a while for me to really internalize it but this is my home now so I'm giving up longing to be elsewhere. I have a great house in a beautiful place. My children love their schools and my husband actually manages to get home from work in time to have dinner with the family. (His old commute was nearly 5 hours a day!). I am very lucky to have a part time job which gives me the freedom to be there for my children and gives me the time to do other things with my life if only I managed that time better. In short I am a very lucky girl. It's high time I embraced it and appreciated it. Part and parcel of this is that we have started making our mark on the house. As I write Hubby is painting all the woodwork in the hall - including the stairs themselves, having already relaid the parquet flooring and built a new understairs cupboard. My excitement knows no bounds. I may have moved into this house 19 months ago but it's finally becoming a home. This makes me very happy indeed.

The next thing that I have realised is that I can no longer rely on my memory. Time was that I had the sharpest memory going - practically photographic. It got me through the educational system with very little effort although it has to be said that when it comes to physics - memory alone doesn't get you very far.... (college - not so successful). In my career (B.C. - before children) I project managed jobs, orgainised crew, transport and equipment and at any one time could tell you exactly where anything or one was. But in recent years I have found myself totally forgetting stuff. Not just letting things slip my mind but actually losing memories. I have lost count of the number of times I've forgotten about events - both mine and the kids'. It's got to the stage that when the phone rings my first instinct is to panic and think "What the hell have I forgotten now?" I have a diary for work and a calendar on the kitchen wall that sometimes act as a reminder - but I forget to fill them in and when I do - I often forget to look at them. Essentially I haven't been taking my unreliable memory seriously. But no more I tell you! I have bought myself a kick-ass diary which will go with me EVERYWHERE. In it I will keep phone numbers, reminders, lists. It has a page to view and times all along the page.

I am going to keep a schedule. If it says on my diary that should be having a cup of tea - then by golly that's what I'll be doing. But mostly I just want to throw off this awful sense of being utterly unreliable. In my heart I'm wholly dependable - I have just come to realise that my memory - well, not so much.


As for the finances - Thrifty is the new affluent.

Then of course there's writing. I don't know whether I just had a crisis of confidence or was just plain overwhelmed by my out of control life but the biggest casualty has been my writing. I have two MSs on the go right now and both suffered from my apathy and general malaise. But no more I tell you! I am scheduling in 1 - 2 hours of writing every day. It's going in THE DIARY. During this time I will not be ferrying my children hither and yon. I will not be doing laundry or cleaning up. I will not be walking the Pooch. And most importantly I will not be hanging out on Facebook. Whether it's one hour or two - if it's in the schedule, I will only be writing. Even if it's rubbish.

I feel calmer already.

Diary says it's laundry day. I am a Homemaking Goddess. Laundry mountain - here I come.

The List.

I'm looking out the window at the interminable drizzle as I make lists in my head about what I should be taking with me. I've already made actual written lists but you can never rely on those. The kids are all still asleep. Two hours left and the five of us and the Pooch will be confined to the car for 6 hours - or more!

Notebooks
Reading books
Computer
Memory stick

I'm on my way to the Atlantic coast of England for a week. In my opinion it's the best bit. It reminds me of home. Millions of years ago it probably was attached to Ireland but we grew apart. Still the landscape remembers the wild days - the rugged, windswept, squally days of yore. However I'm hoping for summer breezes for the next week. And sunshine. Blue skies and fluffy white clouds would be just the ticket, thank you.

Chargers - phone and computer.
Glasses - (on face)
Sunglasses - (soon to be on face once we drive out of this cloud)

I'm hoping for a relaxing week. The beach, reading and a bit of writing. This isn't one of those doing things holidays. I want to come home from this one without feeling the need for a holiday.
As long as I remember everything now that's what it'll be.

Bags packed (must remember to pack underwear)
Towels - (beach and bathroom)
PENS!! - DO NOT FORGET PENS!
Dog stuff - bed, bowls, food, blankie, lead, towels
Beach things - boogie boards, wetsuits, buckets, spades, windbreaks, chairs, tent
Picnic stuff
Rug

Now first things first. I must get up and get dressed. Breakfast. Start making piles of stuff.

What else?

Oh yeah - the kids. I suppose I'd better bring them too.

See you in a week.