Regime Change.

Two weeks of Easter vacation all but over and not a single extra word written in my novel. I have bought about ten books to read during this time and so far I have read 5 chapters … yesterday.

What the bloody heck have I been doing?

Week 1:

It finished a week ago. I've forgotten.

Week 2:

I have embraced a new exercise regime.

WHAT??

IS SHE SERIOUS???

ENERGY EFFICIENT, SPENDS ALL DAY IN HER JAMMIES JANEY - EXERCISING???

HELL YEAH!

It turns out that there actually is a limit to my slothfulness and I apparently reached it in my first week off, which was so exciting (read, dull) that I can't remember any of it. So I did something unprecedented … I bought myself some running shoes, trackie pants and tee shirts and I devised a new regime.

It turns out that doing nothing not only means that you get nothing achieved, it also makes your brain very dull indeed. I haven't written anything because I have nothing to write. I used to think wonderful, cookie and (sometimes even) scary things in those gloriously slothful times but somewhere along the way I noticed that I started resting my brain too.

Turns out body and brain are all part of the same system.

Who knew?

Thing is, I used to be (a very long time ago now) quite an active kinda a girl. Then I moved to London and I stopped cycling (it's the scariest place n Earth - bar landmined areas - to take your bike out), walking (why walk and get totally lost when you can take the tube everywhere which has maps on every conceivable surface?), swimming (unlike the beautiful part of Ireland I grew up in, London's lakes, canals and rivers aren't really for swimming in - if you value your flesh - and I loathe swimming in chlorinated water), gym/stretching (if I'm honest I stopped trying to bend myself into strange shapes in college but I lost the ability to do it about a year into living in London) and as for running - actually I buggered my knees and ankles up by running in crappy shoes on concrete in my mid teens - so running just isn't an option and hasn't been for 25 years.

So my knees are banjaxed. This isn't just an excuse it's medically verified. They creak and grind when I walk up the stairs. This means that I can't run or do anything high impact eg stuff that involves jumping up and down or turning quickly (so trampolining, most aerobics and racket games) are out of the question. Swimming would be the obvious choice but it too has posed conundrums.

Conundrum 1: head in the water vs head out of the water

Those of you who know me well also know that I am quite the most pigment-impaired woman in the world (who isn't actually albino). Seriously, I have none in my skin and the stuff in my hair started to run out in my teens. Now, in my early 40s my hair is pretty white. It makes me look really old. So I colour it. This makes me feel better. I don't look so old with browny/red hair. However the thing about hair-dye is that it is really susceptible to bleaching out. So exposure to bleaching agents like the sun and bleach is very very bad. Swimming pools are full of bleach. That's what chlorine is - bleach. Nasty stuff. I hate it. When I do the front crawl I have to swim with my head in the water - just turning it to the side every now and then, to breathe. Doing this regularly turns my hair green. Doing the breast stroke properly also means submerging your head under the water with each stroke but it can be done using the old-lady technique which involves holding your entire head proud if the water so as not to muss up yer hair-do. I use this technique.

Conundrum 2: Froggy vs scissors kicks.

I never had swimming lessons. I am self taught. Over the years my inefficient strokes have been further compromised by getting a lot fatter. That whole "fat floats" myth is busted. Heavier me sinks like a stone. I have found that the over-arm crawl/scissors kick option requires a level of fitness I now don't possess. Twenty strokes in my power depletes so that my actual buoyancy becomes negative and I start to drown.

The alternative is breast stroke. This is my stroke of choice because I can do it without drowning. The only problem is that the knee doctor told me that froggy kicks are very bad for my dodgy knees. The lateral movements wear away my cartilage which will eventually necessitate in having to have my joints replaced. I don't fancy that at all.


So to sum up
- scissors kicks good for knees and fitness but negative side effects include loss of life and awful hair.
- froggy legs good for fitness and hair but negative side effects include terrible pain and possible knee-replacement surgery.

So swimming is out too.

How does a fat bird like me actually take aerobic exercise?

I walk.

Fast.

Swinging my arms.

I look re-bloody-diculous. But I can do it. And it's not too painful.

I warm up and stretch out then I walk at a consistently blistering pace for about 23-25 minutes, after which I do a raft of toning exercises before doing my warm down. It takes about 40- 45 minutes in all. So far it's going well.

Unlike all other attempts I have made at increasing fitness, I don't feel like I am going to die during or after any session. The toning exercises are designed to get increasingly difficult over a month so that I am gradually loosening out my taut muscles while also strengthening them. For once I think I may actually keep it up.

A really positive side effect is that once I've done my exercises I don't feel like being quite so energy-efficient. I have actually started to get bored again when I do nothing. Hence yesterday I started reading again and I vacuumed, laundered and generally did stuff. I'm hoping that as I continue this amazing journey my Muse return so I can finish my book.

Something must be working.

I'm blogging again.