I got back on Friday afternoon from a really, really lovely week away with the Fam. We have mostly good weather (I'm rather pink in odd places where I missed squirting with the factor 50) and just because I'm not a sun-worshipper the weather angels also blessed us with a bit of drizzle too. Perfect. It was tough going being away from t'internet for 7 whole days but as with any fasting (self-enforced or otherwise) I came back to it with a deeper respect and appreciation.
I also took the time to think about how I've let everything in my life slide along, taking me with it. I do truly believe that being in total control of one's life is an illusion. Life is like the sea, big, powerful and all too capable of raging storms. However it's foolish to assume that you have no control over what happens in it. I'm afraid that, in my natural inclination toward going with the flow, I have allowed even the babbliest of brooks and the stillest of streams to carry me in directions I really have no interest in going. I have become the opposite of organised - not disorgainised - anti-organised. I can see that I've always leant in this direction. I even label my slothfulness in a cute way, thinking of myself as 'energy efficient' rather than lazy. In my youth I was given to terrible bouts of stress and bonkersness and I learnt the hard way that swimming against the tide gets you nowhere but knackered. The trick, of course, is knowing when to stand the hell up and march to pool of water you want to be in and when to ride the tide. I'm sick of ending up on the same old stretch of beach with my manuscript no further along, my house a mess, I'm permanently perplexed as to why I have no money and constantly embarrassed that I'm late for everything (if I remember at all).
No more I tell you! - Well not as much anyway. I have taken my head out of the clouds and had a good look around. I have been doing everything in my life half-heartedly. I am a terrible housewife. Mostly because I hate the term and all that it implies I have railed against it by being rubbish at it. But actually I am a total home-bod at heart. Home and family mean everything to me but I don't give it any respect. Yet I know that when I have done it well, it has given me great satisfaction. My negativity toward it is tied up in not wanting to be seen as a housewife - it's a term that has no value. I loathe it. So I have decided to rename it. I am a Homemaking Goddess. Currently I'm a pretty crap one but now that I have rebranded it I am already feeling more enthusiastic.
It's been nearly two years since we moved from our old house. (We moved in Oct '07 and spent a few months in a rented house before finally moving in here in Jan '08). I miss my old home. I miss my old life and mostly I miss my old friends. So much so that I have never bothered to embrace the new place I have found myself in. Instead of becoming part of this community I have spent my time daydreaming about going back to my old one. Instead of making new friends that I can hang out with, I started to hang out almost entirely on the blogsphere. Now please, please don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE all my blogging buddies. I ADORE hanging out with you and I am grateful that I have each and everyone of you in my life but none of you live close enough to go to the movies or share the odd glass of wine and a natter. I miss that. I need tangible friends as well as my very excellent virtual ones. It's taken a while for me to really internalize it but this is my home now so I'm giving up longing to be elsewhere. I have a great house in a beautiful place. My children love their schools and my husband actually manages to get home from work in time to have dinner with the family. (His old commute was nearly 5 hours a day!). I am very lucky to have a part time job which gives me the freedom to be there for my children and gives me the time to do other things with my life if only I managed that time better. In short I am a very lucky girl. It's high time I embraced it and appreciated it. Part and parcel of this is that we have started making our mark on the house. As I write Hubby is painting all the woodwork in the hall - including the stairs themselves, having already relaid the parquet flooring and built a new understairs cupboard. My excitement knows no bounds. I may have moved into this house 19 months ago but it's finally becoming a home. This makes me very happy indeed.
The next thing that I have realised is that I can no longer rely on my memory. Time was that I had the sharpest memory going - practically photographic. It got me through the educational system with very little effort although it has to be said that when it comes to physics - memory alone doesn't get you very far.... (college - not so successful). In my career (B.C. - before children) I project managed jobs, orgainised crew, transport and equipment and at any one time could tell you exactly where anything or one was. But in recent years I have found myself totally forgetting stuff. Not just letting things slip my mind but actually losing memories. I have lost count of the number of times I've forgotten about events - both mine and the kids'. It's got to the stage that when the phone rings my first instinct is to panic and think "What the hell have I forgotten now?" I have a diary for work and a calendar on the kitchen wall that sometimes act as a reminder - but I forget to fill them in and when I do - I often forget to look at them. Essentially I haven't been taking my unreliable memory seriously. But no more I tell you! I have bought myself a kick-ass diary which will go with me EVERYWHERE. In it I will keep phone numbers, reminders, lists. It has a page to view and times all along the page.
I am going to keep a schedule. If it says on my diary that should be having a cup of tea - then by golly that's what I'll be doing. But mostly I just want to throw off this awful sense of being utterly unreliable. In my heart I'm wholly dependable - I have just come to realise that my memory - well, not so much.
As for the finances - Thrifty is the new affluent.
Then of course there's writing. I don't know whether I just had a crisis of confidence or was just plain overwhelmed by my out of control life but the biggest casualty has been my writing. I have two MSs on the go right now and both suffered from my apathy and general malaise. But no more I tell you! I am scheduling in 1 - 2 hours of writing every day. It's going in THE DIARY. During this time I will not be ferrying my children hither and yon. I will not be doing laundry or cleaning up. I will not be walking the Pooch. And most importantly I will not be hanging out on Facebook. Whether it's one hour or two - if it's in the schedule, I will only be writing. Even if it's rubbish.
I feel calmer already.
Diary says it's laundry day. I am a Homemaking Goddess. Laundry mountain - here I come.
19 comments:
Go, girl.
Organizing does make ya calmer, I totally agree, as long as the diary doesn't have so many entries you end up feeling like a loser and going bonkers over it - I tried that on with my writing, expecting myself to edit/write daily when my work and the commute to and from it suck up 11-12 hours a day between them, and when I'm finally home around 6:00 pm, I want to spend that time with my family and my blogospheric friends, make dinner, just 'be'.
So I was making myself crazy with my calendar planning until I realized I had to be realistic, so I could both accomplish what I wanted, and stay, ya know, sane.
Since then, padding out the calendar has really helped - and one of the ways I saved time was keeping a list of blogs I was gonna visit (it's not a long one) and staying off of Facebook - popping on maybe once a month. I see no reason why the world needs to know I made homemade marinara on Tuesday, or that Blondster is taking driving lessons, or that my black slacks are boring. Whatever.
Reminded myself that I hit the blogosphere et al in the first place precisely because I was learning my way around the writing world - and that, when all was said and done, I needed to actually write.
It's cool that you've found your feet with your 'new' house and neighborhood!
You were on time in April - early even, AND you won a writing award a few weeks ago, AND you're a wonderful and funny and intelligent woman - so please take that to the bank when you're reminding yourself about yourself. You've got great game - and now, you're keeping your own score. YAY is what I say.
And please keep wine chilled for next spring or summer.
Robin - I have been feeling a bit rootless since we moved and have allowed myself to coast along to the point of not really feeling in my own life. It's a bit like giving up your daily exercise and then wondering why you feel sluggish and nothing fits any more. I am taking it easy on myself though - have no fear! I'm very lucky to just work part time. I finish every day at lunch time. If I had the kind of demanding job and commute to work that you do, I know that I would never write. I have the time to write but I've been squandering it instead of cherishing it. Being overly easy-going is synonymous with being a total time waster. I hope that giving myself a schedule will give me the chance to actually achieve something each day. But being me - I promise you that it will be the wooliest, softest-edged schedule imaginable. I'm trying to uncrazy my life - I'm definitely not trying to be superwoman (I'm waaaay too curvy for for that suit!)
As for FB - I like the feeling of immediacy with it. I like the fact that I've got six or seven word games on the go at any one time - but it sure doesn't need to be open all the time. It's just another time-sucking vampire I invited in. It's a very charming house-guest but I'd rather it just came around for a cuppa and a chat rather than moving in!!!
I was on time in April! This is what happens when I give myself a schedule (and my kids don't mess with it). That is the authentic me. My goodness but we had a great laugh didn't we? Hopefully next Spring in Vegas(?) we can do it all over again!
It sounds like you're taking back control of your life, as much as anyone can.
I know the feeling about being a housewife. I've always hated it. When the kids were younger I was a mother, then when they grew up it was harder to see how to rebrand myself. I must say that having someone to do my hoovering is a big deal for me.
Good luck with all of it. I hope it goes well and you'll have some wonderful word counts to astonish us with.
FHH - I'm not promising astonishing word counts - just progress!!! But oh - the luxury of having someone to do the housework. On second thoughts perhaps I should crack on and finish something. Maybe being able to afford an cleaner is all the incentive I need to chase the publishing dream.
Do not forget to diarise wine drinking time.
I stay off FB until the evenings, well sometimes I might go on for quick read, but generally I post nothing, play no games until the evening when it amuses me during rubbish tv.
I stay off Facebook - period. Not sure I want to start with yet another social networking site, but I suppose I'll have to eventually. There are 2 Sarah Laurenson's on FB now as it is and neither one is me.
Sounds like you're doing what you need to do. I can relate. I've been putting everything into Outlook so it pops up reminders for me and sometimes I'm still late. But that's more about me dragging my feet than forgetting.
Plus I have a cleaning woman who comes in every other week. Anything that needs cleaning between those times might wait. ;-)
I've been 'promoted' in my SCBWI duties over here and dreading the increase of time suck. We'll see if the bennies outweigh the effort required. They might.
All in all, it sounds like you're doing great and getting to where you want to be. Congrats!
BTW - I think it's normal to have a grieving period after you move.
In honor of the job title change, perhaps rename your blog "The Homemaking Goddess (And Awesome Writer) Whitters On"?
Sounds like you had lots of philosophical thoughts while enjoying the sun on holiday.
I need to do the same thing. I've been thinking a lot about my roles in the world and how well I've been filling them. I'm turning myself to those that are most important to me. Good luck with doing the same. I'm working on the laundry mountain today too.
Whoa, long comments. I just wanted to say thank you. I know how you feel! I need to take control of my life—especially my home.
Just, thank you.
:)
Sounds like you're in a good place (cosmically) at the moment.
I'm inspired by your motivation and sense of renewal. :)
I know exactly how you feel. Your ideas of keeping a diary and a schedule with you are great ones. They are so helpful! I have a TERRIBLE memory and have to write things down all the time. If I don't, I end up forgetting just about everything.
Good luck on your new mission. You'll do great!
You are a Goddess!
It sounds like you've done some hard thinking. To be honest, I am often re-prioritising but I do think it helps and having a specific focus (even if just for the month) can really help me to achieve. Although the other side is to line up a lot of things that I'm sure I should do and then feel miserable because I can't.
I was reading a thing by Lawrence Block and his system is writing 1,000-1,250 words a day OR 3 hours. If at the end of the 3 hours, he doesn't have his wordcount, he writes off the day and moves on. If he has his wordcount done in 30 minutes, he moves on and does something fun. I really like the idea (and am thrilled to see that a full-time author isn't doing thousands of words a day and still considered a high producer) so I might try a version of that (2 hours, 750 words?) with Facebook or games or whatever as a reward for any time left over.
I think you should hand-knit a suitably coloured (and fluffy) Home Bunny outfit, to be donned at will.
McK - Any wine drinking that involves meeting up with my blogging buddies will be duly diarized - but otherwise I intend to be totally spontaneous!
Sarah I am so guilty of foot-dragging too. I am such an expert procrastinator. I have a really weird fear of doing anything that involves forms or phoning people up. I have no idea why this is. I hope that by putting such loathesome things in the DIARY, I can approach them on a "one-at-a-time" basis so they don't get so overwhelming.
I would certainly have a cleaner if I worked full time. I just wouldn't be able to manage otherwise.
Congrats on the SCBWI promotion. I hope that you get the full benefit of it to balance out the inevitable extra work you'll face.
And I think you are right about having a grieving process after a big move. Every journey is a process of coming to terms with change.
WW - I'm glad that you're getting to enjoy the sun. You seem to me to be the most hard-working person I know. Catch those rays at every possible opportunity I say!
I think I'll see if the mantle of Goddess fit's before I submit to a blog-name change. It might be a tough one to live up to!!!
Lois Welcome back! I think it's a good thing to do a life inventory and audit every now and again. Helps to keep things from going stale. Good luck with that mountain. I conquered mine on Sunday and whaddaya know - there's another one forming already!
Natalie - I have no idea what I said that stuck a cord but you are more than welcome!!! You are so right about the comments - sometimes the comments section is so much more interesting than the post!
Precie - the cosmos smiles on me ;0). It does feel like a mini re-birth when you actively chose a new path. I'm feeling empowered by having made a decision for once!
Thanks Monnik - I love to get encouragement to keep me strong. The trick will ultimately be to actually look in THE DIARY. I will have to make THE DIARY my best friend!
Oh Sylvia - you are gorgeous!
I think that I've always been good at prioritising and I'm never so wedded to a process that I can't be flexible. For me what I have to fight is the impulse to hide my head in the sand and do nothing at all. I need to keep on top of stuff so that nothing gets so big I won't go near it. Bitesize stuff .
Lawrence Block's idea is (much like McK's) something that I think would suit me. I will schedule in writing for every day so that it fits in with school pick ups and Clubs etc. Some days I will have more time available than others. I think the key to this being a success will be whether THE DIARY can be flexible enough to fit around other commitments and yet compelling enough when I am not feeling The Muse!
Whirlio - I have a feeling that Fluffy Home Bunny better fits my personality - I'm already beginning to suspect that the term Goddess may be too high maintenance for me.
Ack! I just lost my long comment!
Oh well....I agree with what you said, and what everyone else here has said. Sounds like you're in the perfect place in your life to regroup and enjoy the blessings you have. Very nice!!! I think you're going to be much happier.
Good grief, as I read this I realized that -- much as I suspected -- we were separated at birth. One minor difference being that I don't hate making dinner quite so much . . .
However, putting off emotionally settling into the new home? check. Being late for everything? check. Not making time for my writing? check.
I love September because it feels like the fresh start time -- much more so than January. Fluffy Home Bunnies at the ready! (let's keep tabs on each other's progress)
Good you, gorgeous goddess!
I have to be perfectly honest, I have found Facebook to be the bane of my life of late - I love it, I love hanging out there, esp playing wordscraper with you, and like you, I love the immediacy of it - , but OMG can it be a productivity sink! And you're right, it sure doesn't have to be open all the time.
Now, about being all writerly and creative, there's a wee something for you over at my place... xx
"Homemaking Goddess" Ha!
My mom has become a fan of yours. She's all praise about the new term. :D (Though I've kept the wine part our lil' secret)
I committed facebook suicide for the same reason that it used to eat up all my time. I still visit the grave time and again though. :)
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