The fabuous Dr Paca has urged the faithful (in the style of Robin) to go forth and record ourselves reading something we've written. (Links to all those who've joined in are on Paca's blog). After a whole pile of to-ing and fro-ing I think I've finally stuttered my way into something here. This is the first few paragraphs of the first draft of my current WIP called Seeders. Apologies for the nasal delivery but its hayfever season so...
Do let me know if there's any technical probs. Apparently the audio loops once it's finished so be prepared to click on stop. I think I may have to lie down now! I've included the text of what I read below.
SEEDERS
Chapter One
The tube doors opened vomiting out so many passengers that those waiting on the platform were forced another metre back. Like two different coloured liquids, for a brief moment, those getting off the train merged with those getting on before separating again, one safely contained in the carriages while the other flowed away quickly into passageways and stairwells. In the scramble for the few seats available nobody noticed the thin girl who quietly moved into the corner next to the opposite door. Lank hair spilled from her grey hoody like a dark curtain separating her from the crowd around. She wore a canvas messenger bag across her body so that the bag hung behind her. Hidden behind sunglasses and an iPod she may as well have been a ghost.
An announcement warned everyone that the doors were going to close. The newly boarded passengers grabbed hold of something to brace themselves for the impending judder as the train began to move off. The girl peered over the tops of her Raybans to see a heavily pregnant woman standing in front of a seated businessman too engrossed in his broadsheet to acknowledge the belly inches from his face. The woman looked weary. The Businessman went to turn the page of his newspaper and as he folded the page he had just read back on itself he glanced around. He didn’t even see them, but his eyes momentarily met with those of the girl. Nobody saw them flash a brilliant shade of emerald green before she pushed her sunglasses back up her nose and bowed her head again.
“I do beg your pardon,” he said rather loudly to the pregnant woman, “I’m afraid I was so engrossed in my paper I didn’t see you. Please have my seat.”
“No. No I couldn’t possibly … I mean it’s very kind … but you shouldn’t feel you have to…”
“Nonsense. It’s my pleasure,” he assured her as he stood up and shuffled around so that in an instant they’d swapped places and the pregnant woman found herself with her bottom right in front of a vacant seat.
“Well if you’re sure …” She sank heavily into the seat.
The man smiled kindly before returning to his paper indicating their exchange was now at an end.
“Thank you,” said the woman as she closed her eyes, grateful to be off her swollen feet.
The train noisily pulled into the next station. The word Westminster appeared and disappeared in the window of the door next to the girl as the tube screeched to a halt. Passengers moved toward to their nearest exit as a silent exchange of positions occurred. The doors whooshed open. Those collected at the exits moved forward, forcing those waiting on the platform to step back.
Nobody noticed the thin girl in the grey hoody who blended seamlessly into the flow of people pushing forward out of the carriage, temporarily blending with those waiting to get on, before separating again and drifting upwards to the streets above.
13 comments:
Oh how eerie in the midst of an every day commute. I'm totally intrigued already. And your voice doesn't sound hayfevery at all - I could sit and listen all day. In fact, at the end of the text, it kept going and for a moment I hoped Chapter Two was there too - then I realised the audio had simply looped.
Thanks Sylvia - it's just the set up to show that the girl has a special power. She's a Seeder - part of a top secret group, Seeder Division, who work for the government, surreptitiously influencing the thoughts and actions of others....
Thanks for letting me know about the loop - I've amended the text on the blog to warn everyone!
Very eerie indeed. We are all being controlled!!
It's intriguing that I don't believe a single one of us speaks the same dialect of English from Robin to McK to me to yourself to Sylvia to Pete to Fairyhedgehog. It's like the englishes of the world all displayed in one small group. We must really all get together one day and just freak out some set of waiters trying to figure out where we are from.
I hope it's hayfever season every time you record a reading. I thought your voice was charming!
I love the premise of the story and the word choices you make throughout. I already like the thin girl in the gray hoodie... don't we all wish that we had a telepathic clue stick sometimes?
JANEY JANEY JANEY. I love you. I loved this bit. I love the premise, I love the voice, I love /your/ voice - hurrah, hurrah!
Well, I gotta say, I could listen to you reading a toilet paper ad and be happy as hell, girl. But even so, I loved this story. Eerie is the word. At first, I thought she was a terrorist, you know, one of those Jihad (ahem) Janes. But no. Nothing bad happened, in fact, something GOOD happened and then she blended again. Really a cool premise for a story, and I hope you're going on and on with it!
I can still hear a lovely hint of the irish! An intriguing set up, and I loved the image of the people as liquids flowing.
What is wrong with my system? I can see the Powered by Podbean link but not the actual player. Arggh!
Thanks Paca - I was going for suspenseful but I'll happily take eerie! WRT accents it's so funny but when I came over here first I was always asked if I was Canadian and I could never understand why but as I listened to myself I heard a glimpse of the other side of the pond. So tell me - did the Irish accent influence the American - or are we being influenced by TV and movies?
Also if you have a minute you should go check out my friend Candy's blogpost about how she speaks here in London vs how she speaks when she goes back home to The Philippines (http://candygourlay.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-dodgy-accent.html). I think you'll find it interesting (in fact I may have mentioned that!).
Why thank you Peter - I don't think anyone has ever called me (or any part of me) charming before! And I'm glad you like the start of my story too.
AERIN AERIN AERIN - aw thanks Babe. Love you too!
Robin - I just wrote it as I imagined it and initially it never even occurred to me that she'd look like a terrorist but as it evolved I thought OK this plays quite well... And she is a good guy but who else around is and given what they can do can she trust them....?
I promise I'll never read bog roll for you!
McKoala - glad you liked that bit, one comment from my critique group was that they didn't like the repetition of the image but I kept it in because I thought of it as one image completing a cycle rather than a repetition.
Fairyhedgehog - under the big Powered by Podbean logo there is a small control panel (with tiny green symbols) I have no notion why you can't see them but maybe if you still can't see it later I'll send the mp3 file to Paca and he can host it for me?
Let me know!
It's appeared! And it was worth waiting for.
Jane, your voice is wonderful: gentle and warm and embracing. I could listen to it forever. I also love the story. I really related to it; I wish your girl had been on my train in the morning rush hour when I was pregnant and working!
I don't think I've heard your voice before, Janey. I was surprised -- in a grand way! I was expecting an octave lower and more robust for some reason. But Pete hit it perfectly with his description as "charming". It really is!
May I comment on the repeated image since you brought it up? I think it works really well in a stand-alone, flash fiction piece where beginning and end are bookended. In this excerpt for instance, it works quite nicely and gave me a sense of closure (until it started looping that is). But if this is part of a larger piece, I'd have to go along with your citters.
But there's an idea: maybe you could shop this excerpt in the flash fiction market?!
Dearest Janey:
Love the voice thingy.
And deepest apologies for Facebook. I've made a promise to Beloved that I will only "friend" people know in real life. It's nothing to do with you (or with any of our lovely blog-friends) and everything to do with my own boundary issues.
HUGS.
-P
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